You're Not Crazy

and other truths you need to hearby Melissa Amaya

If you are going through an unwanted divorce and
are simply trying to survive, you are in the right place.This book comes out of my own experience.The first draft of this was written in 2015, four years after my husband of 7 years and father of my four children walked out.I wrote the book I wish I had when I was walking through those dark days. Then I put it in a metaphorical drawer (really, it just sat on my hard drive) for nine years, locked away due to self-doub and fear.Who am I to write about this? What particular insight could I possible have to share with others? No one needs me "wisdom." Then there was the fear - fear of being exposed. Fear of the transparency required to write and share this kind of book.But year after year I'd hear about other women going through an unwanted divorce. The librarian I had gotten to know. The cousin of a friend from church. A Christian lady I met while traveling cross-country with my children some years ago.Each time, my heart ached. And each time, I'd relive part of my own dark days -- wishing I could provide some comfort for the recipient of the unwanted news.And so, I pulled this book back out, and purposed to if my experience could be used to bring hope and comfort to another, then my fear and self-doubt were irrelevant.So to you, dear reader, the following words are offered to you.

Introduction

What this book is and what it isn't

I am not a counselor. I am not a pastor. I am not an expert in the field of marriage, relationships, or divorce. I am just a regular person who has experienced the pains of divorce and am an expert in my own experiences. In the midst of my relational trial, I longed to find rationality in what was happening. I longed to make sense of it all. I ached for relief from the continual pain and hurt and angst. I grasped for order amid chaos, like grasping for water from a faucet. I received helpful council and unhelpful council. I had faithful friends who stood by me and others who abandoned me. I listened to words that provided truthful hope and comfort, and heard empty words that offered empty platitudes.I am no expert, and I certainly don’t know all the details and aspects of your situation, but if you are in a difficult marriage, if you are facing a potential divorce or have been divorced, then I have been where you are, and I know some of the things you are feeling. I know what I found helpful and what was most definitely not helpful. I also know from experience the gaps and oversights in understanding and in action from the church and from Christian brothers and sisters. Though not a result of sinister intention, the effects of such gaps and oversights on me as I navigated the most difficult season of my life were intense and, at times, overwhelming.Now, six years¹ on the other side of the initial separation and three years on the other side of officially signed divorce papers, I see things that I could not see while in the midst. I have perspective that can help you walk through your current trial and come out on the other side stronger, more grateful, and more humble, with a stronger faith in Christ.There are many books on divorce—books from actual experts with fancy letters after their names, books on how to survive a difficult marriage, books addressing how to do marriage when you are unequally yoked. Those books will usually tell you there is always hope for your marriage, which is true. The same God who raised Christ from the dead can most certainly raise your dead marriage to life again.But what if the Lord has different plans for you? What if, despite your best efforts, divorce is the outcome? Does that mean you failed? Does that mean your Christianity isn’t real because if you were a “real” Christian, you would manage to keep an unsaved spouse content enough to stay? If you were a “real” Christian, you would patiently endure all circumstances without ever rocking the boat, and if only you were willing to do that, then your marriage wouldn’t be suffering.This book is not the final word on the subject. This book is not a theological exegesis on marriage, divorce, and remarriage. At the same time, this book is not devoid of theology. On the contrary, the pages to come are filled with theology. It is a rubber-meets-the-road, how does that verse inform what to do in this situation, kind of book.I live my life based on the Word of God and submit my will and my thinking to Him. Scripture is not a choose-your-own adventure where we are at liberty to pick and choose which verses make us feel warm and fuzzy, embracing those, and which convict us and make us feel guilty, so we find reasons to ignore those. We, as fallible, sinful humans, do not get to choose which parts of Scripture we like and will follow and which parts we’d rather edit out.We must also acknowledge that we are not the Sovereign One. Ultimately, we are not the ones writing and orchestrating the bigger picture of life. We do not have Holy Spirit abilities that can bring godly sorrow and change in another person. That means we cannot control our spouse. We cannot make a marriage stay together when the other person is determined to end it. That is a freeing truth!“We cannot make a marriage stay together when the other person is determined to end it. ”Too often, whether intentionally or unintentionally, there is guilt placed on the spouse who didn’t want the divorce because, “a real Christian would be able to save their marriage.” Yet in reality, it takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to end it.So I write out of my own experience. I write from a biblical understanding, filtering everything through the truths of Scripture. I write for those who are in the midst of a divorce and don’t want to be. I write for those who have sinned greatly in their marriage, and now their spouse is wanting to end it because of that sin. I write for those who feel hopeless and helpless and feel they have nowhere to turn and don’t know what to do next. I write for those who are not receiving good counsel from their church and for those who are receiving great counsel but still feel alone, like a black sheep, an outcast. I write for those who feel like they are going insane and need affirmation that their thoughts and emotions are normal. I write for those desperate for the assurance that they will survive this and that they really will get through this trial.You will never hear me say, “Get a divorce.” If you think you read that somewhere in here, if you believe that is what I am saying, let me be very clear right now: I’m not. God intended marriage to be one man and one woman for life. That was His plan from the beginning of creation. That was always God’s intention for marriage. Sadly, sin and Satan have other plans, and reality does not always match the ideal. But that doesn’t change the standard, and despite my own divorce, I still believe that every marriage is worth fighting for. The purpose of this book is to be the needed encouragement while in the midst of it.Things are already falling apart. Your spouse has left. He has announced he wants a divorce. Papers are already in process. You are there, in the thick of it. You want to hold on, are trying to hold on, but can barely function daily. What then?What you don’t need is a sermon on how bad divorce is. You know God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). You aren’t initiating this, it has been been thrust upon you. Or you’ve sinned and repented and are now desperate to do whatever it takes to reconcile. What you do need is compassion. Comfort. Hope based on TRUTH. To know you aren’t alone. Encouragement and strength to get through this very day. Someone or something to point you back to Jesus and the grace, hope, and mercy that He offers.So that is what I seek to offer.There are far too many variables in each situation for a book like this to offer any counsel on your marriage specifically, whether about how to save it, an analysis on can you save it, how to handle specific situations, etc. For that, you need local counsel: pastors and biblically minded friends who can walk with you daily. Unfortunately, I know from experience that such counsel is not always available; if you are in that situation, I grieve for you. I understand how lonely and painful it is to seek counsel and not receive the needed help.So while you seek after Christ² first, and reach out to your pastors and friends second, may this book fill any gaps; may you be strengthened and encouraged, and if nothing else, may you know that you are NOT alone.NOTE: I will be writing with he/him/husband often being the subject. This is not because men always initiate the divorce, but because it would be too confusing and cumbersome to switch back and forth between male and female. Also because this comes from my experience as the wife of a husband who left and filed. So please, do not read into my use of male pronouns as anything other than ease of writing.

[1] At the time of first writing, I was six years on the other side. At the time of publishing, I am twelve years on the other side of initial separation and nine years post-divorce. Yes, this manuscript sat in a metaphorical desk drawer for six years.[2] This book is written for Christians from a Christian perspective. While you will still benefit from this book if you are not a Christian, please understand that the promises of God do not apply to you, if you have not repented and put your faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. And while you may still benefit, please understand that if you are not submitted to Christ, any benefit is only temporary because while you may experience some relief in this life, you have no ultimate hope apart from Christ. For more on this, see Appendix A.

Chapter 1

You are not insane

This isn’t real.    This can’t be real.        It’s like a dream, totally surreal.I never planned things to go this way,
we never planned things to go this way.This can’t be happening.    No way, this isn’t happening to me.        I know it does happen, to other people, but this wasn’t ever going to be our story.

Life is occurring in slow motion and my brain is in a constant fog. The fog won’t lift. Even breathing is laborious. My insides are in endless knots. My heart feels like it is being ripped out, my flesh is being torn apart, and my stomach is constantly nauseous. I haven’t eaten in two days but I don’t have the slightest bit of hunger.
I am mentally exhausted from thinking about everything, analyzing everything, trying to compute a solution. I am physically exhausted from the endless crying, the restless sleeping. The stress is wearing me out. I feel like a zombie. Not the new mother kind of zombie that is exhaustion behind the joy of having a child. This is miserable zombie. Zombie that results from immense hurt and pain, yet at the same time there is numbness.I can barely function. Just waking up is misery. I want night to come faster, then I can go back to bed. Can we just bypass the day? Yet I have these kids that need to be fed and a newborn that needs milk and a clean diaper. Sleeping the day away isn’t an option. So I’ll get up long enough to pour cereal, then head back to bed. They can watch some videos today; that’s about all I can do.

Does any of that sound familiar?I remember day after day and night after night, being completely overwhelmed by life, trying to fight the impulse to scream and cry at the same time, as I desperately sought to make sense of it all.I felt like I was going insane.My thinking must be faulty. Surely I’m missing something. It doesn’t add up. And no matter what I say or do, nothing helps and nothing changes. Life is still way messed up and I can’t figure out how to fix it.Accusations started flying that I was hearing for the first time, ever. “Does he really mean what he is saying or is he trying to justify his actions? If he really means it, then why is this the first time he has said anything and why doesn’t he want to address these issues to deal with them? Why did he never say anything before?”It sure seemed like he was swinging into the wind, hoping to throw enough at me to convince me that it was all my fault, and he was succeeding. His gripes seemed petty, yet there was an abundance of them. Maybe it really was all my fault. Maybe I am to blame. Maybe if only I did this better or that better, then maybe he’d be happier. Love hopes all things¹, right? So as a diligent wife, I desired to assume the best about his motives.Do you know that feeling?You start to second guess everything. EVERYTHING. Every accusation causes an overwhelming introspection. Every misspoken word is analyzed for the degree to which it is the cause and blame. If only I didn’t say that. If only I didn’t do that. If only, if only, if only.Immense guilt follows.You have successfully convinced yourself that it is indeed all your fault. After all, you know yourself and the areas in which you are most selfish. And that conversation last week when he was pushing all the right buttons and you responded with angry words, of course, that was wrong. See, if I just didn’t do that, then he wouldn’t have gotten mad in return, and then that fight wouldn’t have continued. It’s all my faultWe will venture into some theology in another section and see how the evil one squirms his way in with lies and deception, causing misplaced blame, but for now this is what you need to know: Everything that you are going through, it will pass.I know you don’t believe me, just as I didn’t believe Karen when she first said those words to me. But those words were true in her life, they proved true in my life, and they will also prove true in your life. Hold on to Jesus as you careen through this gauntlet because,How you feel right now is NOT how you will always feel.The feelings you have right now and the thoughts you are thinking are normal and in some ways are to be expected given your circumstances. You are not the first to feel and think what you are feeling and thinking. And sadly, you will not be the last either. At the same time, let us not wallow where we are, but let us actively pursue truth through God’s Word. Let us pursue Him and renew our minds² in His Truth, and take captive every thought³ to bring us out of the slough of despond and set our feet back upon solid ground.You will get through this; day by day, hour by hour. It won’t be pretty. It won’t be pleasurable. You will feel miserable much of the time. You will think things that you are too ashamed or too embarrassed to admit. You will concoct wicked plans in your mind on how this all could end, but you will choose instead to trust the Lord who made you and redeemed you, and you choose will endure the pain, in submission to Him⁴ and His work in your life.You are stronger than you think, because you have the strength of the Creator. You will learn to say as the Apostle Paul did, “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV.On more than one occasion, you will echo his words in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9,
“For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.”You will feel like you are on the brink of self-destruction, barely holding on. Fear not, because it is He who holds onto you.⁵In the song “Make Something Beautiful,” Singer Laura Story says the following:“I admit there is a yearning for the hurting to subside, but not at the risk of missing what your doing with my life...”My prayer for you as you endure this trial is that you will be able to echo her words. I have often prayed, “Lord, I thank you for every aspect of this trial. I am more like your Son because of all that I have been through. Please don’t ever repeat it, but I thank you for taking me through this to refine me.”You feel weak. You feel powerless. You don’t even know if you can make it through today. But you will make it through. It may not be pretty. In fact, it will likely be rather ugly. It will be more difficult than anything you have ever experienced, more painful than you can even describe with words, but tomorrow will come and you will still be here, clinging to the cross of Christ⁶ because, quite honestly, you have nowhere else to turn and nothing else to cling to.Perfect! That is exactly where God wants you: completely aware of your complete and utter dependence upon Him!

TAKE AWAY

In the pages ahead we will walk though what surviving, and eventually thriving, looks like, but for now, remember to breathe. Remember that you WILL get through this. Do first things first each day which starts with simply meeting daily needs: if in a day’s time all you have done is sleep and eat, you are doing great! And don’t forget to feed your kids too. Find ways to renew your mind in God’s truth. Reading your Bible. Listening to the Bible on CD. Listening to Gospel-centered and Christ exalting music. Listening to sermons. Do whatever you can, and as much as you can, to saturate your life and your heart with Bible truths. It is only through the truth of Scripture, through the power of the Holy Spirit, that you will find true and lasting hope.

[1] 1 Corinthians 13:7

Chapter 2

It's okay to not be okay

You don't feel okay. You don't look okay. You may manage to put on a happy face to fool folks in public, but the truth is, you aren't okay. And that is okay. Confessing that is actually great!Support is good and necessary.God designed us to live in community. There can be much shame felt when a marriage is crumbling and as a result we resist the very thing we need most – other people.“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5One of the purposes for trials is so that we can learn to comfort others. Which means that others have already endured such trials before you, and those very people will be God's means of providing you comfort. This book is one example, but there are people in your life, who know your personally, who are in your circles, in your church, that can, should and will be God's hands and feet to bring you encouragement. They will walk out that verse above by comforting you with the comfort with which they were comforted. And guess what? One day you will be comforting another, going through what you now are going through, with the comfort with which you will be comforted in the coming days, weeks and months.All of that is part of God's design for the church¹. Do not forgo this means of grace due to pride. And do not miss out on the blessing of being a provider of comfort to someone in the future because you have wasted this opportunity now to be ministered to. Your God desires for you to receive comfort from fellow believers now, and to provide comfort for fellow believers in the future!Alright, I get it, but who should I confide in?Good question. Not just anyone. Caution and discretion are necessary.In an ideal world, every person in your church would be equally equipped to walk with you, but if we lived in an ideal world you wouldn't be enduring what you are currently enduring. So discretion is required.In short, support is good:
    From the right people,
    who are theologically grounded,
    and will not engage in senseless   bashing of your counterpart,
    nor excuse your sins in the matter,
    but neither will they blame, as in, “if only you did/didn't do x,y,z.”Allow me to offer some suggestions on how to find the right people.
Hopefully your pastor is a trustworthy man. He is the Lord's under-shepherd², positioned in your life to care for your soul. He should be one of the first, if not the first, person you seek council from. If he is not trustworthy, if he does not offer theologically sound council, my heart goes out to you. That makes your position even more difficult. Pray that the Lord would fill that gap with theologically sound friends.

THEOLOGICAL

Theologically grounded. You need TRUTH, not human “wisdom.” A sincere person who is not grounded in scripture may alleviate your pain temporarily with words that sound nice, but the only thing that will provide true, lasting healing and understanding is the Word of God.You need ladies that are sober in their thinking. They are slow to speak. They hear a matter before they answer (Proverbs 18:3). They are not gossips and will not take your confidence an opportunity to male bash – both your husband and men in general.You need ladies that are willing to speak the truth in love. There will be times when you will need to be confronted or challenged in your thinking – you need a friend who is willing to do that, even though it is uncomfortable. (“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” Proverbs 27:6)

NO BASHING

You need ladies who will not use your situation as an opening for senseless male bashing. They will not use your situation as an excuse to complain about their husbands, or their fathers, or other men they know.And your aim as well should be to avoid male bashing or husband bashing. That does not mean you have to speak only flowery words when in reality there is much sin needing to be worked through and dealt with. It does mean that you do your best to chose your words carefully, recognizing that due to the intense emotions there will be times when you blow it and totally husband bash and say things that should not be said.Recognize those moments as sin, confess them as sin and receive the grace that the Lord offers you.

NO EXCUSING SIN

You need friends that will not excuse your sin. They will not give you a false assurance that you are 100% right, he is 100% wrong, and you are free to do and say whatever you please because you “deserve better.”The truth is you have sinned because you are a sinner. The truth is you will still sin; in your thoughts about him, in your words to him, in your actions towards him. (This truth shouldn't come to you as a surprise. The cross already gave it away. The cross already tattled on you, that you are sinful. Christ died to pay the penalty for your sins; the Lord already knows the extent of your sinfulness, don't let pride and lies of the evil one convince you any differently).That truth in itself does not mean you are 100% responsible for the situation you are in. It does mean you are 100% responsible for YOU, for your sin, and for your responses. You need council from folks who see that difference and can lovingly and gently help you to see that difference. A true friend, a gospel friend, will not gloss over your sin, because that is not in your best interest and does not honor God. A gospel friend will seek your highest good and your highest good is a recognition of your sin so you can deal with it before the Lord and with anyone else effected by that sin.

NO BLAMING

At the same time, you need friends that will not run though, “if only” scenarios with you. They are not helpful and it is not biblical to do so. This happens in different ways; either pointing out sins of omission (not doing something you should have done) or sins of commission (doing something you should not have done) or offering mere opinion after the fact (even though no sin has been committed) because clearly the tactic didn't work the way it was done the first way.Let's see if we can break that down.Sins of omission: you failed to meet all his needs (whether legitimate needs or felt needs or selfish wants that get categorized as needs). Let's get real practical: you didn't provide him with sex as often as he wanted, so he went elsewhere, and now his affair is your fault because you didn't provide all he wanted in that area.Now, in reality, it may be true that you sinned in your lack of responsiveness to him in that area of your marriage. But with or without that sin on your part, any affair is the fault of the person committing the affair. He made the choice to seek something outside of his marriage. He chose a sinful solution to his frustrations. He is 100% responsible for his adultery. Any sin on your part in regards to sexual intimacy may need to be addressed, but not as a fault finding endeavor.There will be people in your life, even well meaning people, who, like Job's friends, seek to identify to golden ticket sin that caused your husband do walk away or have that affair, so that it becomes your fault and thereby something you could have prevented.Nothing forced him to do what he is doing, other than his own two feet moving him in that direction. We will most definitely address how to deal with your own sin, but seeking to identify a single sin you committed that “caused” the current situation is not biblical. It is placing a guilt on your shoulders that you do not bear in the sight of God.Then we have sins of commission: you said sinful things that you shouldn't have said. In that last argument you told him how horrible he is and how you wish he would just disappear. See, if you didn't say that, he wouldn't have left. It is your fault he is divorcing you.You may hear that from him directly. You may hear that from your mother, or sister, or friends at church, or sadly, even your pastor. Once again, it is an attempt to place the blame for HIS actions upon your shoulders.He chose his own actions, not you. You cannot force him to do anything. If you could, he wouldn't be doing what he is doing.He opted to leave, not because of anything isolated thing you said or did, but because it was in his heart to pursue selfishness and sin. Those same sinful words you spoke, if said within a different marriage, may have produced a very different response and may have led to increased communication between husband and wife, instead of one party bailing. Those same words may have increased humility in both spouses, leading to a greater desire to love and serve one another, instead of increased pride and using those words as an excuse to do what one wanted to do anyway. So, if those words would not cause a different husband to run, then clearly it is not the words themselves, but the man who heard those words.Now, we have already established that you have and you will continue to sin in all of this. Hopefully you have already repented and sought forgiveness from the Lord. If you have, you are free from the guilt of that sin. “There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1) It is wrong for anyone to seek to hold you in a place of guilt for something that God does not hold you guilty of.In addition to being wrong, it is simply not helpful. Sure, you can and should learn from your sins. Hopefully you are learning and growing throughout this whole experience, including learning how to better respond to stressful situations. But what is done is done and you cannot undo any of it.Moreover, what is done was foreordained by God. (Proverbs 16:19, Proverbs 19:21) He allowed it; He allowed your sin. He uses your sin sinlessly to carry out His will in your life and in others. To stay in a place of regret over sin for which you have been cleansed and forgiven is sinful in itself.

So who do I seek out and how do I do it?

I pray that the Lord will give you the people you need for each part of this trial. Ultimately He is your heavenly Father who knows your needs before even you do and cares for you more than any earthly person. I am trusting in His sovereign care on your behalf.On the human side of things, wise choices and wise actions are required of you. From my own personal experience I would say that having 2-5 trustworthy people is ideal. You need multiple options for who to go to for counsel, advice and a listening ear depending on what specific scenario you are facing.You may not have anyone at the moment that you deem trustworthy. Start praying that the Lord would provide such a person. You need community now more than ever, and yet the idea of community can seem daunting and completely undesirable now more than ever.Or you may read 2-5 people and say, I have 10 easily. Fantastic! That is a tremendous blessing. Praise God for that.

Parameters

It is important to set up parameters and keep very clear communication. I will tell you, despite what anyone may be saying at the moment, you absolutely have the ability to burn them out and you likely will, unless both parties are intentional and offer honest communication.Your friends are (hopefully) sincere when they say they are here for you. But most likely they have no concept of just how needy you feel and how needy you may become. That is a humbling thing to admit. The idea of being needy was abhorrent to me, yet it was the reality. I was in a place of great need, and so are you.It would be helpful all around if your friends are willing to read this book so that they can see what you are experiencing and what you are likely to experience going forward. Understanding is the first step in their ability to help you, and this book may articulate emotions and situations that you are not able to communicate at the moment.

Start to categorize your needs in regards to friendship and support.There will be times when you simply need to vent. You need an ear to listen. You need to verbally process.You may need to decompress after an incident or interaction with your husband; a fight, a threat, a conversation about logistics, etc. You need someone to help you process what happened.Maybe you blew it big time and sinned in anger; you need help to plan a better response next time.There will likely come a point where you need help with making practical decisions. There came a point when I was flat out tired of making decisions and truly wanted someone to simply tell me what to do.Scriptural encouragements will be needed all day every day. But there may be times when you are especially needing to hear the truths of the Gospel; the forgiveness found in Christ, the love of the Father for His own, the future glorious return of our King when every pain and every tear will be removed.What other categories of support and encouragement might you need? Knowing what you seek will help your friends to know how to help.

Let me let you in on a little secret, your friends, even your best of friends, even the most spiritual friends, they are sinners too. And there will be times when they misspeak. There will be times when they are harsh instead of patient. There will be times when, despite their best intention, they miss the mark in their comments to you and say things that are off base. There may be times when you misunderstand them. Decide right now that you will always assume the best. You will take the default position that your friend are for you, they love you, they desire the best and highest good for you and for your children (if you have children). Assume their motives are FOR you and not against you. Assume their words are meant to encourage you, even when you are left feeling discouraged.Assume the best.

Saturate with Scripture

The Word of God is the ultimate source for all wisdom and comfort. We were made for community, but our first source of communion should be God. “For my father and mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.” (Psalm 27:10)People will fail you, but God never will. Make Him your first and last source of all comfort. Make Him your first and last thoughts of the day. Make Him the first Person you talk to, the first Person you seek. I know there will be times when you have zero energy to open your Bible. I know you will try to pray and absolutely nothing will come out. Take comfort in Romans 8:26, “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

MINISTERING TO YOUR OWN SOUL

Listen to gospel centered music.

Listen to music that lifts your soul and reminds you of God's providence and sovereignty. Listen to music that recounts the mighty works of God. I have found so many of Laura Story's songs to be wonderfully encouraging. So many of her lyrics seemed to speak directly to my circumstances and emotions. Also Sovereign Grace music has some wonderfully uplighting and Christ exalting music.There were many days when, despite great effort, my eyes and my brain refused to coordinate enough to enable me to read the Bible. I would stare at the page, or re-read the same verse over and over again, yet nothing was computing in my brain. It seemed pointless, but Gospel-based music ministered to me wonderfully during those times.An alternative to reading the Word during those moments is to listen to the Bible. My brain still was not fully engaged, but it was certainly better than nothing. I could put chapters on the Bible on repeat and listen to them over and over and over again. I may have picked up little during those times, but Scripture was still surrounding me, and certainly keeping unhelpful thoughts out.Another thing I did was listen to sermons, a lot of sermons. SermonAudio and Grace To You were my two favorite sources. I could find solid, biblical teaching that was endlessly available. Being so very desperate for council and direction about my specific scenario, I often sought out sermons related to the things I was specifically dealing with.When I was able to get in the Word I found that inductive study was far better than a superficial, devotional type study. I would pick a certain word from an epistle and conduct an exhaustive study on all the uses of that word in the New Testament. Keeping my mind more focused, with a definitive task to accomplish, gave me greater success at productive study.I had limited endurance for reading, especially during the first 6 months after he left. I could not focus for very long, nor very deeply. Deeply theological books that I once loved to dive into became entirely too complicated for me to follow. But I knew that I needed to continue to renew my mind with Gospel truths. For me, at the time, finding shorter books was key.

TAKE AWAY:

Find Gospel minded people who will walk along side of you who will speak Gospel truth to you – the good, the bad and the ugly. Saturate yourself with Scripture through every and any means available. It’s okay to not be okay, just don’t stay there. With whatever amount of physical and mental energy you have, take steps to fill your heart and mind with the truths of the Bible, reminding yourself of the character and nature of God. And hang on, it will not always be this way.

[1] Hebrews 10:25
[2] 1 Peter 5:1-3

Chapter 3

You are Not Alone

Recognize the Lie

You likely feel very alone right now. You may feel like no one understands. You may feel like an outcast; an outsider; the black sheep of your biological family, and the black sheep of your church family. Surely, everyone else in church has it all together, and you, and you only, are falling apart.We tend to feel this way when we are enduring trials. It is a ploy of the evil one to isolate us and separate us from the strength and support of the body of Christ.The truth is that others do know how you feel. Others have endured divorce and know all too well the gut-wrenching experiences you are enduring every day. There are others whose marriages were on the brink of divorce, but by the grace of God, those marriages were saved and are now strong. There are others still currently in a miserable marriage and feel like they are just barely holding on day by day, trusting in nothing more and nothing less than the care and faithfulness of a faithful God.It is imperative that you recognize the lie being told to you. The lie that you are alone. The lie that you are “less than.” The lie that you are not a real Christian because a real Christian does not struggle in the ways you are struggling.We have already established that you are more sinful than you know. The cross of Christ reveals the reality of your soul and mine; we are exceedingly sinful, and our hearts are wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). The cross declares loudly and boldly that you don't have it all together, that you have sinned, do sin and are by nature a sinner. It will be no surprise to anyone who is gospel minded to know that you are experiencing trials and difficulties. It will surely be sad news, but not shocking news. We all have struggles and trials. Apart from the Lord's kindness and the restraining power of the Holy Spirit, we would all have even more trials and difficulties in this life.So when Satan seeks to accuse you, you need not defend yourself. You are sinful, but that doesn't leave you hopeless. You are a sinner, saved by grace, and you can boldly, confidently, and unhesitatingly run to your Heavenly Father for comfort, wisdom, and care. You need not be alone in this. You are indeed a sinner in need of God's grace, and whether you are “justly” or “unjustly” experiencing this relationship breakdown, there is always hope in the gospel.Fight the instinct to feel isolated and combat the lies of the evil one with the truths of God. You can be confident that there are people who understand, but the reality is that marriage struggles and divorce are simply not something frequently talked about. Few individuals are comfortable talking about their failures, which can exacerbate the feeling of aloneness.

Be on guard against the false commiserators

What do I mean by “false commiserator?”I'm talking about someone who appears sympathetic but is not coming to the conversation with a gospel-centered approach and a gospel mentality. They appear sympathetic, but their motives are not the glory of God and the comfort of a sister in Christ. Here are some characteristics of a false commiserator:

• They are extremely eager to hear every detail of what is going on (because they feed off gossip.)
• They are quick to tell you what a jerk your husband is and that you should leave him and “take all he has (possibly in an attempt to justify themselves -- either their own past choices or their current thoughts, wishing they had “an out.”)
• They use your situation as an opening for their own venting to complain about their husband or ex-husband.

These are what I call false commiserators. They do not sincerely desire to encourage you, with the right motives and right intentions. They may or may not be aware that their behavior is unhelpful and unbiblical. They may very well be blinded to that reality, but it is not for you to rebuke at this time. You need to learn to identify the false commiserator quickly so you can make wise choices about your interactions with them. And for a season it may mean not interacting with them.At this point in time you need all your energies and mental capacities to survive. Confronting the false commiserator right now likely won't be helpful or beneficial. You may simply need to avoid talking with them about your circumstances. That does not necessarily mean you have to avoid them altogether (although it might), but when they seek to bait you into offering the latest details, you can gracefully change the subject.

Lacking Wisdom

In addition to discerning the false commiserators, you will also need to discern the folks who lack biblical wisdom and, therefore, lack the ability to offer counsel.There will be folks who are 100% sincere and genuinely believe their advice is helpful, yet lack a solid scriptural foundation or scriptural application, making them unable to properly help, encourage and council. Unlike the false commiserators, there is no overt sin preventing this person from being effective, but their ignorance disqualifies them from helping.Here is an example: Less than two months after my husband walked out on our family, I had an elder's wife and a deacon's wife tell me, "You need to file on him for divorce on the grounds of abandonment."I was utterly stunned by this counsel, although there was no hesitancy in my mental processing of this advice, "No. I will not be filing for divorce from my husband less than two months after he left." "No, I will not file for divorce on him before every possible attempt is made to reach him." And quite possibly, "No, I will not file for divorce on him for any reason."I am quite certain they intended to be helpful. I am quite confident that they saw the distress I had been undergoing for months leading up to that day and hurt for me and my children, and in their minds, at that moment, taking action seemed the best choice. But, "There is a way that seems right unto a man¹."Another such example went as follows:In the first few months, my finances were completely in shambles as he was the sole source of income, and I was left with all the bills, including our very expensive apartment. I was at the mercy of his whim on whether he would give me any money or how much money. Having recounted this to an elder in the hopes of gaining wisdom to know what to do, I was told to, "Take out a credit card in his name so that you can at least buy groceries." This advice was given by a church elder who also happened to be a retired police detective for the NYPD. He should have known better legally and should have known better morally.Buying groceries is great, even essential, but committing fraud is not. Taking out a credit card in my husband's name is to commit fraud, something that an ignorant layman might not realize but that surely a police detective would know.Life for you right now is hard enough. Getting up each day requires immense effort. As you are merely seeking to hold it together day by day, you do not need the added stress of filtering every piece of advice to determine whether it is true, helpful, legal, or biblical.Give yourself an advantage by weeding out those folks who are not helpful. Weed out the false commiserators and the theologically ignorant for this season. Again, it doesn't mean you have to avoid them altogether. It does mean you need to take ownership over who you trust. Surround yourself with folks with a track record of faithful advice, keeping in mind that none of us are infallible. Even the most biblically sound friends may, from time to time, say something that's off base. However, finding those who have shown a pattern of helpful, gospel-centered advice and who will have the goal of seeking your highest good will significantly reduce the added stress of bad counsel on top of an already bad situation. Seek out those people.

You will survive

I said this in the introduction, but it is worth saying again: you will survive. Faithful counselors may be few and far between right now. You may be surrounded by false commiserators and the scripturally ignorant. As a result, you may be incredibly frustrated.God has not forgotten you, and God has not dropped the ball. It may be that the lack of proper earthly support is intentional so that you learn to seek FIRST His heavenly support. Take this time to rest in Christ, and take this trial as His mercy upon your life to grow you, teach you, shape you, and mold you. If you do that, if you embrace His work in your life despite the pain, you will come out on the other side of this nightmare stronger, wiser, and more compassionate. Don't waste your trial.It is worth noting that as you walk through this valley, and as the Lord hopefully provides people to walk alongside you, it is okay if some of those people are around for only a season. It is okay if the Lord provides a particular person for a small portion of this unwanted journey and a different person for the next leg of the trip. This is how the Lord provided for me through this season in my life. By the Lord's mercy, I had someone to walk with me during each aspect of my trial, with some overlap. But there was no single person beside me from start to finish. If you find the same true for you, that is okay. The Lord provided what I needed at the time I needed it. I trust that He also provided what those people needed as they learned and grew more holy by ministering to me.

Keep a Scriptural Perspective

As you walk from day to day, no matter how hard things get, no matter how alone you feel, no matter how wrong life seems to go, there is one truth that you can cling to. It is a truth that can and will carry you though any trial.

GOD IS SOVEREIGN

As you recount to yourself all that has gone wrong, as you remember how poorly you have acted at times, and evaluate the list of his offenses against you, as you feel defeated in every possible way, it may be tempting to think that all is lost. What's the point? Why bother trying?It may be tempting to conclude that you will forever be labeled by others and forever be an outsider.I cannot promise that others won't label you. I cannot promise that others, even inside the church and among those who claim the name of Christ, won't treat you as an outsider. I can tell you that they are sinning if they do, but as we have firmly established, we are all sinners, and sinners sin. What I can promise you is that God is not surprised by this. God is not punishing you, although He does indeed discipline those He loves². I can promise that God is using all of this for your good³.
I can promise that nothing happens apart from the knowledge of God⁴. Circumstances do not sneak up to surprise Him.

Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come? Why should a living man complain, a man, about the punishment of his sins?

Lamentations 3:37–39

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

Matthew 10:29–31

Let these verses bring you great comfort.So if God was not surprised by all of this, then what is His plan?

It's Not Just About You

We are all such self-centered people, and we hold a very myopic view of life. Why is this happening to ME? What did I do to bring this on? How can I alleviate the grave discomfort? Whatever the lesson the Lord has for ME, can I just learn it faster and get it over with?Such questions aren't necessarily wrong. In fact, they are very natural questions, even expected questions. And questions, I'd argue, that should be pondered to some degree. The problem is when all we think is these question; all we do is ponder how the current situation effects us, and maybe our kids, and fail to recognize that it's not just about you!

This is MY trial, MY problem, and this is affecting MY life and my family.

But if you are a Christian, your life is not your own. You were bought with a price⁵ and you are the servant, the slave of Christ⁶. You exist to bring Him glory⁷ and that includes every aspect of your life, including the trials; including this very trial at this very moment. If God saw fit to bring you to where you are now, even if your own sin was a contributing factor, then who are you to fight against the work He is doing in you AND in others.

This isn't just about you, it's also about your spouse.

I cannot forecast the outcome of your situation. I do not even know the details. I do not know if your husband committed adultery and left. I do not know if he decided he no longer wanted the responsibility of a family and is choosing to pursue selfish passions and pursuits. I do not know if he claims to be a Christian or is an outright atheist. I have no idea the details of your circumstances, but I do know that God allowed your current circumstances for the sake of your spouse.I hope and pray it is to bring him to repentance and faith. I hope the Lord will use your life, your example, and your responses to soften his heart, to convict him of his sinfulness, to bring him to a place of repentance before his Maker, and then restore him to his family. But that might not be the case. The Lord may tarry to save him. It may be 10, 20, 50 years from now before your husband is saved; at which point there may be no option for reconciliation. Are you willing to submit to the Lord if that is His will? Are you willing to submit to much unpleasantness and hardship so that your husband may eventually come to faith?At the same time, he may never come to faith. He may never repent. He may even be claiming to be a Christian, but his life shows no evidence of such, and in truth, he is an unbeliever. He may die an unbeliever, and all the current circumstances are bringing greater condemnation upon the man you married. That can seem harder to swallow, but our God always does what is right and just, and if this is the outcome, then it is right and just.Regardless of the ultimate outcome, are you willing to confess that this trial isn't just about you; it is about your husband? It is one way God is working in his life. It is all part of His sovereign plan.

It's not just about you, it's about your children (if you have children).

But, oh, Melissa, they don't deserve this!!Oh, I know, and yet they do. I had those same thoughts: "They are so young. This is so unfair. They don't deserve this."But God is allowing this trial for the good of your children. Will you shepherd them in such a way as to maximize the lessons available to them?They are seeing an up close and person view of the effects of sin. They are seeing sin on grand display. They are seeing anger and selfishness and unkindness on a major level. What wonderful opportunities to talk to them about sin, the consequences of sin and the need for a Savior.They are seeing that not even Mommy and Daddy are perfect. Mommy and Daddy are sinners. Mommy and Daddy need forgiveness from God.They are seeing the importance of submission to the Word of God. I don't know your specifics, but at some point someone stopped submitting to the truths and commands of Scripture. Somewhere along the line selfishness took precedent over service and now a family is falling apart. What a wonderful opportunity to talk to them about the wisdom of man versus the wisdom of God.They are seeing that people will let them down, even Mommy and Daddy, but you can remind them that God will never let them down. God is their perfect Heavenly Father, and Christ is the perfect Man. They need to seek their ultimate hope, comfort, and truth from the Lord. Daddy left, and while Mommy may never leave them in that way, Mommy will let them down, but they can always trust God.That last one is huge. Many adults never fully understand this. So many marriages struggle because one spouse looks to the other for too much. For perfection. Expecting their spouse to perfectly meet all their whims and desires. In reality, only Christ offers complete fulfillment. Only Christ can meet all of our needs. While a protective parent will quickly say, "My kids don't deserve this," you must recognize this as God's mercy to allow them to learn such an important lesson at their young age. It may not be what you would have planned for them, but it is what God is allowing for them.

It's not just about you, it's about your relatives.

...

Your trial is about Christ's family

Your trial is about unbelievers

Your trial isn't just about you, but it certainly is also about you.

This trial is to grow you.
This trial is to sanctify you.
This trial is to identify secret sins and idols, maybe even the idol you have created out of marriage.I was recently reading a Tim Keller book, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering, and was reminded that our trials are God's mercy to us. That may seem paradoxical, but when we remember that the Lord chose us so that we may be holy and blameless before Him¹, it becomes slightly easier to understand that the trials we face are for our good; to make us more holy; to strip away idols; to push us deeper in prayer; to make us vividly aware of our inability and wholly dependent upon God's ability.God's mission for your life is to progressively make you more and more like Christ. Christ was made perfect through His sufferings². This very Son of God was not spared from suffering, and yet He is the only one who could ever say He did nothing to deserve His sufferings. In fact, His sufferings were the result of the sins you and I committed this very morning.

TAKE AWAY:

You have not been forgotten by God and despite how you might feel moment by moment, you are not alone. So while suffering is largely undesired (I mean who really goes through life asking God to provide the next hardship) it is evidence of a loving Father seeking to discipline His child, growing that child into the likeness of the Son. No, you are not alone - in fact, if you are In Christ, you are more loved than you can possibly imagine. Cling to the One who will never leave you.

[1] Proverbs 14:12
[2] Hebrews 12:6
[3] Romans 8:28
[4] Matthew 10:30; Luke 12:7; Psalm 147:4; Isaiah 40:26; Matthew 24:36
[5] 1 Corinthians 6:20
[6] Romans 6:22
[6] 1 Corinthians 10:31[1] Ephesians 1:4
[2] Hebrews 2:10

Chapter 4

Can this be saved?

Coming soon

Chapter 5

It's over, now what?

Coming soon

Chapter 6

Decision making – not for the faint of heart

Coming soon

Chapter 7

What About the Kids

Coming soon

Chapter 8

Let's Talk About Sin

Coming soon

Chapter 9

BONUS CHAPTER
How to Help

Coming soon